I have been on the most amazing journey of this lifetime, which has lead me to this point as a Paranormal Believer with my team, FPI. I am not here to convince anyone or change anyone. This is because I don’t care what others believe. I am here to connect with those who do understand where I’m coming from because anything less would deplete my energy; and my energy is precious; focus is key to experience. If doubters take up my time, then my valuable time is wasted. I enjoy going forward, and my intent is to grow, to experience even more, to continue to connect, to explore.
I get called a hippie. I have been labelled a witch. Well now, let me see…
Lesson of Compassion
I grew up on a small holding in the Forest of Dean. I have two lovely, funny parents and two younger brothers. Next door, lived my Nan who was wholesome enough, and my grandfather who was an ignorant brute. I learned to stay out of his way, soon enough. I remember being about five when I learnt the lesson of compassion. My grandfather insisted I ‘harden up’, as I was made to witness the slaughter of a full-grown pig. It was held down by four men. A fist being pushed into its windpipe. The squealing and struggle as it pleaded to live. My stomach somersaulting as I was too scared to move and too afraid to help. Its helplessness, its own fear. Its pain ran deep with me. My soul shifted. The surrender of the flesh. The black blood oozing around the fist. The savagery of death. The ebbing away of the fight. The funeral pier of straw as the lifeless pink body burned; the smell, the red blood coursing to the drain, the black smoke; my horror at human condition.
My grandfather had a licence to kill, a slaughter house and plenty of pens. The local farmers would bring their sheep and pigs to us at Chapel Cottage. Such a holy name for a concentration camp. Sunday afternoons would be stun gun time. No one in my family was all that religious; but I knew that sound. The Sabbath. At such a young age, I found myself rounding the pens, feeling their fear as the sheep watched me with slatted marble eyes. They trembled, urinated, defecated. I knew they knew. I tried to disguise my terror for them so not to add to their woe. If I opened the pens, my grandfather would surely beat me with his walking stick as he did his sheep dogs. I couldn’t save their lives. I couldn’t save them, could I?
I learnt to pray at school, chairs on desks, no peeping. So I prayed for the sheep. I prayed for the pigs. Each one, I gave a name, and I prayed for them individually. Every Sunday. I would sneak in to be with them in their final hour and I would pray to God to keep them safe, even in death. I felt calmer, I sensed peace. My faith grew. I sensed something bigger than me was listening. My heart grew to love this Silent Witness. This was to be the second to last time I would ever feel alone.
My parents respected me when, at eight, I took myself off to Sunday school. I went with my best friend from next door. We would play in her back kitchen. This was the 70’s. I would flatten bread with the palm of my hand and serve her Blackcurrant juice and a sermon. Then we would swap. At thirteen, I was reading to the adults in church and taking bible classes when I became confirmed to the Church of England.
I think I must have been a weird teenager, in the 80’s, as I was about the only one on God’s green earth, who wasn’t going anywhere near a Ouija Board or be damned to hell forever. My principles, morals and values were in place. I was a book worm with a vivid imagination and a questioning mind; curious to the complexity of the Universe and fascinated with Eternity; so much so, I would terrify myself with the depth of my thoughts, and the darkness was black until I shone a light upon that part of me. I remember sitting still, in peripheral, to check if my aura would change colour against the wall, before I even had the understanding to know what I was doing. I remember experimenting to see if I could sense the colour of the next car around the bend, while waiting for the bus. I remember gazing into my eyes in the mirror until my face changed completely. (I now know I was scrying). I would always have an oriental appearance, and this transfiguration would frighten me; yet addicted, I would do it again. My relationship with my God was real, but I found myself losing interest in Bible teachings, and discovered I had a mild form of tourettes. As the vicar would preach, I found myself having to hold back from shouting out. Almost like the devil was in me, tempting me. This very thought freaked me out and to save my sanity, I stopped going to church. I erected a luminous crucifix on my bedroom wall, with a green glow- in-the-dark Jesus. I would wander around mumbling to whoever unseen was listening. It began to feel as though it wasn’t only God listening. Slowly, I began to acknowledge this. It wasn’t an angel. It was a girl my own age. She became so familiar, she was like my twin. An imaginary friend. Except I sensed her personality. Her strength. I saw her in my mind’s eye, and I felt her presence tangible around me. She grew with me. She is the one with the wisdom and the patience, the strength and the steadfastness. I admired her. She is the one who holds her breath and listens to the whispers on the breeze. She taught me many things of how to be, and I thought it was a game of make believe, to be fair. My Gemini Twin. We would sit and write poetry and I would write journals to God to compensate my absence from church. To this day, I’m not sure who my unseen twin is. She could be a Spirit Guide, an angel in disguise, a muse, an aspect of my imagination and an existential aspect of myself. Whatever the case, I like having her around. – Well, all except one time!
All the above was put on hold at 18. I moved 222 miles to Hastings, got married, was into motorbikes and rock music, and I became preoccupied with the practical aspects of life. And then I had my first very frightening paranormal experience. I lived in a large Victorian flat with high ceilings. The walls were really thick. The film Poltergeist was on TV, and I was watching it alone. I had a sense to feel discomfort, disconnected; my thoughts weren’t good. All I can say is something started banging along the living room wall behind me; which was also the hall wall. The noise was in the very room with me, my own environment. (If it was neighbourhood noise I would know the difference, I assure you). The banging was very loud, systematic and heading for the door as if to enter. It was the scariest and weirdest thing. I switched channels and distracted myself. The banging stopped. I have no explanation to the cause, but to me it seemed something didn’t like the film or me watching it; and I didn’t need telling twice. I hadn’t given much thought to ghosts – after all, at this time in my life, I believed in heaven or hell – take your pick. The music I loved was saying the same; threatening hell. I was doing my best to stay good. The last thing I wanted was a paranormal experience because it would prompt the question, ‘What of God?’
My Faith was at play all along, even if only on an unconscious level, and I see it now. When I was expecting my son, I saw a silver light anomaly hovering over me in the top corner of the room and it filled me with serenity that all would be well. A year later, expecting my daughter, I saw a golden sphere. A large ball of light from the ethereal; in the room with me and through my third eye.
As I say, I don’t care who believes me of this, either. I know what I experienced and it will all stay with me. I am grateful for the effort made on all parts to integrate me into its workings on such a deep and fascinating level. I like to think I saw the souls of my children as they chose me to be their mum; and every day with them in my life, I am truly blessed. ‘Heaven Sent’, I call them. My heart would burst with unconditional love. I know Love. Love is good. Love is pure. As I say; I am truly blessed.
By this time, I was living back where I belong; my homeland; amongst the mighty oaks, amongst nature – in the heart of the Forest of Dean. Things were happening beyond my reasoning or wanting. Things were shaping me. Not all of these events were of comfort.
We were put into Temporary Accommodation during the upheaval of life. My boy was nearly 2 and by girl a small baby. My son was, and is, very perceptive and we have shared many moments between us that are far beyond random and far too many to ever list here. Back then, he would toddle around and say the very words I would be thinking. We lived in the ground floor flat of a two story house conversion. My lovely new neighbour above, had two boys. She was always reporting that her eldest was talking and playing with an invisible friend. Although I had a ‘friend’ myself, I went safely to denial. My parents visited, and dad told me this: – When I was small, my parents had our cottage pebble-dashed by a man who got called away mid-job because tragically his baby had strangled itself on the ribbon around its neck and the bars of its cot. – The tragedy had happened in the house I was presently living in. It really was sad, but I couldn’t dwell on this and function properly so I put it to the back of my mind. However, I couldn’t let my little ones sleep in their cots at the best of times. I was a natural mother and had them both in with me, next to my heart beat, for the first 2 yrs. One morning, I woke, cuddled my baby and noticed my son was on his knees staring down at me. He was in a trance. No other way to describe it. He was looking through me to beyond. I found this disturbing. He then turned his little face up to the top corner of the room and was watching something. Then he looked at me, he pinched my nose together, took a hold of my chin and opened my mouth. He came towards me to breathe life into me but I had seen enough. I must have broken his state as I jumped out of bed to get on with my day.
Unexplainable coincidence? I don’t think so. He may have been watching a traumatic event encapsulated in the fabric of the building (stone tape theory), but the young boy upstairs was definitely interacting with something constituting intelligence. Children have not long arrived here. The Veil is thinner and they see through it. They bring their gifts of insight and telepathy as it is a natural state and phenomena. I think this is why it is so important to keep the inner child in us alive. If we ever get bogged down in this dense world then spend time in the innocence of children and listen up, pay attention; for we have much to ‘remember’ and learn from them. I have witnessed this often enough.
We moved house soon after. Finally, I put down my roots. I was in a very fragile place. My marriage wasn’t working. I was doing ok, but thought I would go to hell if I got divorced and was avoiding all subjects of God. Perhaps if he forgot about me, he wouldn’t strike me down?
During this time, I had another paranormal encounter; yet this time I would be grateful. By now I was 26. My daughter was 2. My children were in their beds, and I was alone downstairs. I was lying on the sofa with Radiohead blasting in my earphones when the music stopped dead. I heard my little girl screaming hysterically, and ran up to her room to find she had been upset for a time because she was hot and clammy. I calmed her from her nightmare and soothed her back to sleep. Downstairs, I investigated the stereo. Something had hit the ‘off’ button. It switched back on just fine. There had been no power cut; everything else was normal. I felt guilty that I hadn’t been attentive to my children. – But someone had been. I might not have been able to see them but they knew my girl needed me and they had intervened to draw my attention. In that moment, I thanked them aloud. Perhaps it was my girl’s Guardian Angel, or my Nan who hadn’t long passed? Whoever it was, had my girl’s best interests at heart. And I had learnt a lesson.
Orphan of a loveless God
I was about to learn several more. I was about to lose my mind. I woke one morning with a vision playing out on a screen. It was a scene of a busy high street. I followed this lovely fresh-looking woman as she strolled along, sun on her face. Then I saw a motorbike pull up and she glanced across and something in her stirred… I sprang out of bed, grabbed a pen and started writing longhand for I didn’t own a computer in 1997. By the afternoon, I had introduced the cleverer plot of vampirism and threw all the characters into their own personal hells. They came alive with depth. I had empathy for their suffering. I was sunk deep into my orphans of a loveless God… I had cramp in my hand and thumb muscle, my kids where getting bored of bothering me and I was needed in the garden to clean up the mess because we were having new fencing. It was a warm March day and I was sweeping beneath the dining room window, where I had previously been writing. On the ground was moss. I thought it was moss, until it moved. Then I realised it was a bat. It was stranded, stuck in the sun, weak. An omen. I stared at it for an eternity. I couldn’t believe my eye; I knew the message; it was loud enough. I had to finish the novel. My vampire novel.
QUEST OF THE VAMPIRE I
Then came the obsession. I was writing descriptive death and sinful deeds as all these aspects of my psyche came to life on paper; blood dripping off most pages, the struggle and inevitable death. Souls without bodies haunt this place. Bodies without souls prowl this place. And then I hit a dilemma. My husband and I split up and God had abandoned me too. I fell to my knees and prayed. I had not done this in a while and was feeling really lost. Was it because I was focusing on lost souls in my writing? The devil had sent me the bat; and I had gone to the dark side, after all. I was now the orphan of the loveless God. I put the pen down rather than be damned forever. I was God’s child; never the devil’s. Mortified, I went downstairs and stood in the window, gazing out at the woods. On the radio was a song. The lyrics hit me, ‘I don’t mind. Don’t wanna quit after all this time. I don’t mind. Don’t wanna quit after all this time’… on repeat, over and over. I felt elation. God had sent me the story and the bat to confirm my purpose. The devil could rot in hell. I must write; and write I did. All the way to The End. During this time I had many other Signs from God. God had spoken to me. We had a two-way interaction relationship going on. It was that strong and that profound, I was losing myself again. I could write an entire book just on this chapter of my life alone. God really was real. And I had God’s attention; little oh me on the planet. And God had no misgivings about me. My reality shifted so much, I lost myself altogether. I was so scared of the consequences, I realised I was having a complete breakdown; and back out into the wilderness, I put myself. What a mess. The problem with God was that God wasn’t acting like a vengeful, judgemental, holier-than-thou Archetype. Again, I thought the devil was spinning tricks. By now I was sending out my synopsis to writing agents and HarperCollins wanted to read the manuscript. I backed off, through terror, and was ready to ring for that straightjacket when I came across a book on a market stall, ‘Conversations with God’ by Neil Donald Walsch. In my teens, I had written journals to God of a similar nature. I read this book in a day. It saved me on every level and explained what was happening to me. I couldn’t label myself Christian or religious because somewhere along this journey I had broken down completely and come out of the chrysalis as Spiritual. Spirituality is Love-based. I had been shown nothing but pure Love. I was now glowing. I knew my place and recognised my paradigm had shifted. I could see the fear-based religions and I let go of fear. I thank God for guiding me to that book and for inspiring me to write my own, however dark. My God is the Darkness and the Light. I saw clearly. I blessed the balance as I readdressed it. I stopped beating myself up. I was free. Liberated. Happy with my lesson in Faith. I had so many Signs coming to me I wasn’t freaked out now, I was just in the flow, man. Right on.
The butterfly is not a caterpillar with wings. The caterpillar, in the chrysalis, breaks down completely into liquid DND. It then begins a complete transformation into a butterfly. Never help a butterfly out of its chrysalis because you will weaken it and it will surely die. It needs to fight its own way out to build up its strength for the new life it will face. I have my symbolism of a butterfly tattooed on my back. That was one hell of a transformation – my own trek through hell – and I survived. I was enjoying my rebirth; everything looked different. I was seeing everything through fresh eyes, my heart and mind was open, my soul alive. I could feel my God working through me. I could feel God as an energy. Not male. Not man. An energy. I saw this energy in all things. I dropped the name God although I respect it has a Divine tone and power, such as Om. Very powerful. The Divine Force was alive in my consciousness and many more lessons of Universal Laws were winging their way to me as I continued along my path to Enlightenment.
Poltergeist through the Exorcist
And then I had a poltergeist experience that would have sent me to a church, crawling in on all fours, if it had happened years before. Instead I was comforted. I’m not sure everyone else felt so at ease… I was staying over at a friends’ flat, along with many others at the party. The flat was directly above a healing centre in a local town. When I arrived everyone was watching the film The Exorcist. I wasn’t all that impressed; my psyche of nested loops took me back to the film Poltergeist. I wasn’t all that keen to watch this film either. I encouraged everyone to the pub, mid-film. We all fell back through the door in the early hours, all worse for wear. I went to bed and everyone crashed out. I lay there in the dark suddenly aware that the film was still in the player. I imagined it switching on in the middle of the night; everyone screaming, crawling over the ceiling. Bloody imagination. I lay there wanting to throw the stupid film out the window, but prayed for protection and fell asleep. I woke in the morning. There, at the foot of the bed was a chest of drawers. On top was a crudely made crucifix. A dome deodorant can with coins balancing atop, a metal nail filer, and more coins atop this. Blow and the lot would tumble down, it was so precariously balanced. I was sharing the room with my friend, who was as mystified as me and everyone else who came to see this spectacle probably thought I was playing a joke. Well either I got up in the dark and created it in an unconscious state by some miracle of light with which to see or something outside of me stacked it. No one else had been aware of my fears in the first place. I am still staggered by this phenomena. Whatever the case, it was impressive and very cleverly done. And I thank it because I knew I was protected that night.
VAMPIRE’S REQUEST II
1999 I wrote my second novel; another 100k words of baring my soul, heart on my sleeve. Thomas Montford was coming into his own; the master vampire was returning to his town of Sanctuary. The story of evil mesmerised by innocence…
The act of immersing myself in a novel is a Spiritual act- and addictive. When I write I zone out. It is like I am channelling every word from another source greater than myself. Paradoxically, Thomas Montford is the dark side of me. The squealing pig. Trauma murdering innocence. So much blood. Eternally dead. – The characters write their own drama and I am the mere tool; so much so, they shock me with what they come out with next; and I have found myself laughing, crying and everything else in between. They really are full of surprises. I can’t take full credit for such art and intelligence. I really do think I have an amazing muse who plucked this from an ethereal library for me to create on this plane. Sadly, I haven’t won a major publisher to take my Undead Lost to the world audience. Something still blocks me. I am in conflict because I want every witch and ghost hunter and vampire lover and romantic Goth who craves adventure to read my work and yet the thought of success is terrifying. I am a humble soul. I want to reach out to everyone and curl up and hide. I do often wonder if I had an ego as huge as some I would have pushed my vampires harder until I won that contract. Sometimes I feel like I have let all my Spirit Team down. My muse is probably thinking ‘what the hell?’ I know. I have no confidence to sit on TV and love myself. I am my own worst critic.
REQUIEM FOR THE VAMPIRE III
2001, I wrote Requiem for the Vampire. The prequel in my Trilogy. Well this was to be the saddest tale involving a lost soul, born of the sin of others and lost in between worlds for all time; with just a glimmer of hope with the song of a Requiem from his lover’s lips… I cried a river at The End of this one, from the shear despair and hopelessness, I can admit. And I wouldn’t change a single word.
The healer in me was rising. I wanted to unblock any blockages. I was doing Yoga and Tia Chi classes, and later, for two years the sensual art of Belly Dancing with its disciplined isolations. I was expanding my reality as I knew I was the maker of my own Universe. I was working alongside the Goddess. I was seeing beyond my own conscious thoughts or previous dogma. I was reading so many self-help books and meditating, I joined college courses and learned most of the holistic therapies to NVQ 3 standard. I found working with energies natural. Nothing fazed me. Friends and villagers called on me to help where needed, and when they healed, sometimes at alarming rates; I got labelled Witch. Lovely that, except the witch was rising in me too. How can you witness such amazing results without question? The more results I witnessed, the more faith I had in the energy I was channelling and this was self-perpetuating. On the third stroke of my silent Reiki Mantra, my pet snake stopped dead in my hands and we had a ‘moment’. The flip side was the hate I was receiving from the hag in the village who thought she was the bees knees. She and her little minions tried to stifle my flow; her husband tried to run me off the road even. Very upsetting, since I was solely bringing up my two children; and where would they be if I was dead in a ditch? I wanted to rip out their black hearts, to be honest. Instead I gave it to the Universe – with all its Laws I was teaching myself – with all the lessons provided. Enough said. The Laws work. In fact, they work far greater than anything I could wish to deal out as I had a tendency to be too nice.
Now working with all the Laws – the scientific formulas of Life/the Spiritual connection with everything; no divide, I grew through it. I began to live by my own creed. And nothing hindered me.
And then I heard her voice. I was driving toward home. The beautiful pond in my Forest was taking my attention. I was in my bubble, heaven inside me, all shit bouncing of the force-field surrounding me; and my inner twin thing sounded out the blue with her lush commanding voice, ‘It’s going to get worse before it gets better.’ – Well, stop the car. What? Why? Shit… I think I thanked her a bunch and carried on my way. Whatever was coming that she knew of, I would be fine. I had already survived enough along my journey. My rucksack on my back was overflowing of Positive Resources of Love Strength Faith Forgiveness Understanding Acceptance Peace Patience and a Quick Mind and sharp Tongue if push came to shove me in no corner.
You know I AM is the most powerful statement, right? Well, I am serenity vulnerable patient angry happy sad scared invincible and every other emotion known to woman. I am Spiritual Pagan Witch Healer Gothic Rock chic Hippie Warrior Writer Author Investigator Mother Daughter Wife Friend Sister Neighbour Colleague Support Worker. I am none of these. It’s all an illusion. In the briefest moment, I saw the none real, the no nothing state; the nothingness of me in all my cosmic splendour and this experience is the one, all time defining moment, I always return to. It wasn’t read and described to me, prior. I had no wish to experience it or knowledge of methodology of how to reach it… but this happened – and to tell you my Truth – it is Sacred. (I have struggled with the prospect of not even writing this down for you because there are those who will only be reading this to mock it. – Be cautious, friend, for you will deny yourself an aspect of you that could lift you from your own hell of fear as you attack that which you won’t allow yourself to re-member). –
– Here goes a long crazy sad story in brief; 6-6-2006 the guy I was dating hanged himself. The only way I could cope was to stay in the precise moment I was in. I did as the Buddha. I trained my mind not to think back because it was just too raw and surreal and violent an act of the self and unnecessary and unexpected and crazy and I would lose the plot and my kids needed me and I needed me. I stayed in the moment I was in. Right now I am washing up a cup. Right NOW I am breathing in – and NOW I AM breathing out. I couldn’t think into the future, a single moment into the future, for there resides insanity; the asylum well overdue. How else would I confront this level of trauma, if not in a straightjacket? Breathe. I am stirring the sugar. The sugar is dissolving. Time lapsed. Time healed slowly tick by tock or numbed me enough to begin to process everything and evaluate myself. I had to stay spiritually healthy. Check list all my biggies: Forgiveness Acceptance Tolerance Understanding amongst all my others. Truth was faced very recently, as it really was way too soon. With the help of friends, forcing me into an uncomfortable situation, and a loving husband, I faced that Truth this year, 2013, and allowed myself to Forgive Me, and completely heal and let go. Thank goodness the Universe has Patience!
Back in the depths of it and while still doing my ‘NOW’ coping strategy, I called on a friend, Dianne, to give me her seriously intense Reiki once a fortnight, and in an energy exchange I would give her Reflexology. I was also channelling my own Reiki as Dianne was channelling hers, so I might have been getting a double whammy, if that’s possible. Nonetheless, my intention was to heal and heal quickly. I had probably had half a dozen healing sessions when this wondrous experience happened to me. I was on her dining room table, on a mattress. She had done my Crown, Third Eye and Throat Chakras and was holding my shoulders whilst channelling Universal Healing Energy. I was lying there watching the backs of my eyelids and thinking of my soul purpose. I was actually thinking of my books, to be honest. There was no sitting up getting down floating over and no journey from here to there but suddenly I was in the doorway of the room, watching myself on the table having Reiki. My consciousness was there in the threshold, watching my body. There was no fear or surprise; it just was what it was. I’ve had many feelings about this since but at the time it was without emotional attachment, without question, without logic, without desire. In the threshold, it was just another form of me being me. It was me observing another form of me on the table. And then I was back on the table. Quick as that, without transition that I noticed. And this is the even weirder part. – My body was not there. My consciousness was there where my head was supposed to be but my body was gone and in its place was nothing – but to describe it visually it was like dark airy space. I hope you get this next bit as I got it because it still blows my mind to recall. – I was lying there in a state of nothingness; Dianne had gone, the room had gone – there is no spoon moment – and all I could see was the most beautiful light display going on all around me, and it seemed, in distance, just out of reach if I had wanted to try. But I didn’t want anything. I was observing this amazing glorious light fantastic full spectrum of multi-colours, multi-faceted crystal-like cocoon and, centre to it, was the nothingness of my being. I heard my inner voice say, ‘Wow, that’s my aura.’ A deeper, wiser voice of me that was also my imaginary friend all the way through my life, said, in her eloquent yet firm voice, ‘No. That’s your soul’. This other voice gripped me and fear came in. I bolted upright and stared at my feet. I was back in the room. My feet was now physically there. I was grounding myself as I focused harder. Dianne patted me on my shoulders to lie back. I continued the session without further incident. I hadn’t done any hallucinogenic drugs up to that point in my life, may God strike me dead, by the way. We are talking healing at soul level and holistically because it was mental, emotional and spiritual; even if it seemed without body, I have faith I was healed physically in that moment too.
After all this, I can say; I know all this is an illusion. I read countless more books on Quantum Physics, many different Philosophies and beliefs, Self Help and empowerment, Witchcraft, Occult, the Bibles including the Satanic Bible. And it comes back round to the playground of existence. We are here in our form, doing what we do because God got bored. I am God. I am Goddess. I am Alfa and I am Omega. I am here to remember this and have fun. Why so serious? I want God/Goddess to enjoy having created me in this aspect for this brief moment. I want the Divine Source to enjoy Life through my eyes. My purpose is therefore Divine Purpose. If anyone has a problem with that then it’s their problem, literally. If I chose to dance, barefoot in the wet dew grass and disentangle my feet and discharge negativity through the earth and hug a tree and breathe us together, stand on that mountain and do my Tia Chi shapes, give homage to North South East West, bless the earth and throw my arms to the sky; my warrior cry – then I will. I will celebrate my life with the interconnection of all things. That straightjacket hasn’t got me yet.
Enter Mr Heath; the devil man.
After all the trials and tribulations you would think the Greater Good would give me a break. My children were growing up, raised by me. I had never sought a step-daddy for them. I wanted the job of single mum. If their own father wasn’t to correct them then nobody else was going to. I raised my feral kids; encouraged to take their rucksacks and spades and get out in our Forest and make dens and get dirty and scream primal and laugh and love. Yeah happy times. I had a great career as a Support Worker specialising in Paralysis, which I have done for eighteen years. I explored my expanding world; I meditated in a Buddhist Temple, I sat in a teepee and chanted with Hare Krishna monks; I had loads of lovely alternative way-out hippie friends who thought beyond the moon and stars and blew my mind with their depth of knowledge of science and quantum physics; always warm and welcoming and so seemingly all-knowing. I immersed myself around those who also valued each other and respected each other; who knew the interconnection and supported each other. The essence of Spirituality. One love wasn’t just a song by Bob Marley. I had found my level. I had found myself. I was living my truth and I was happy. They say that when you aren’t looking that is when you will find it. When you are living your truth you will find true love.
2009 I walked into a Gothic shop in the hope they would stock my Quest of the Vampire Trilogy, which I had published and was due out in four months. I walked through the door and behind the counter was this gorgeous guy in black, black hair, cheeky glint in his dark eyes. My Lidl man. Of all the things. My heart stopped. Time stopped and rewound five years; shopping, clip clopping with trolley in Lidl. The freezer section to be precise. I know this because as I made to pass him our eyes met. I recognised him in an instant. I knew his soul. We walked on by. My heart racing, my knees weak, my face burning up with the chemistry of a soul on fire; I flung open the nearest freezer wanting to climb right in to cool down the inferno. Fanning myself, I realised I would catch him on the next aisle. I did, but he had this woman with him and I let him go. From the shop out into the abyss; lost in time forever… and now he was in front of me asking if he could help me. How much time did he have? If I flushed, he didn’t mention it. Apparently, I was so enthused, my energy filled his shop, and we chatted for an hour about everything supernatural/paranormal and undead. He rounded the counter and stood beside me. It was home to us. Being there, in each other’s aura was calming. I wasn’t all good. Adam wasn’t all bad. We met in the middle. The yang to my yin. Effortlessly blended. Passionate and spirited. Scorpio/Gemini. I think our Guides knew precisely what they were thinking when they welcomed us together.
We became inseparable. We had so many experiences of the paranormal collectively. Adam had worked in the field of researching the paranormal for ten years and knew his subject. I came into this world my soul awake. We would sit up until dawn debating the unknown. We fuelled each other. I read him my Trilogy. He understood me. Nobody had ever understood who I am. Adam got me and he added more. I saw his demons lurking in plain view. We combated most of them together. If the devil rose up, I took no shit and kicked his sorry ass. He was a dice man. His pair of dice went two separate ways to hell on their own. Why let dice govern you, when you were born with choice. Adam reminded me of the protagonist in my trilogy, Thomas Montford; he too was a bad boy, lost.
Magnet for Spirit
Adam and I fuelled each other with our countless ‘beyond normal’ experiences as we became more passionate together about the subject. His flat was our base for much of this. His flat was beginning to come alive. We would talk about ghosts; the lights would dramatically flicker, the bedroom door would open in the night, squeaking to wake us; there would be loud banging along the walls and footsteps along the wood flooring; and we would sense them almost ‘coming in’ to join us. We began to welcome this on our own terms, although I was still a bit freaked out with some of the paranormal activity going on in the flat. Was this our own collective energy creating all these phenomena? I know my belief in all things by now was astounding others, but who would blame me given my previous experiences? I wasn’t about to shrink away, deny their attempts to make contact or deprive myself. I welcomed more occurrences to gain more understanding. I asked Adam, ‘Are we creating these occurrences unconsciously because I know we can be without bodies and still exist. Are there massive energy fluxes in my auric field setting the lights off?’ Important questions. I wondered if it was our brain patterns creating the flickering lights. Adam became animated and introduced me to a piece of paranormal equipment from his vast kit. The ghost Box. We set up the living room of his flat with a camera recording the room and running through the TV, so we could see real time what was going on around us, and especially the doors behind where a lot of the activity was taking place.
The outcome of these sessions are recorded in the FPI footage shared on our website ‘Ghost Box Sessions’. These sessions became addictive to me. I could distinctly make out regular voices of direct communication to my questions. This was exciting times. It was like having a mobile phone to the Spirit World. Although the conversations were brief, it was as though those on the other side were welcoming this interaction equally to me. These sessions qualified my existing understanding and added to it.
There is a story of how FPI was born. All of us know it from our own perspectives. I was in it from the beginning; the one with conviction. Not all we experienced was paranormal and we were ruthless in our debunking. All of us have a high standard and seek perfection or risk making a mockery of the entire subject; in this event we would only consider Class A results as paranormal. And rightly so. From my perspective, I was in it for the moment; the contact and communication; which would always amaze me. A humbling experience. I have never minded who mocks us. I realise it is the nature of the beast. The wonders of mortality. Death… a constant fascination. Eternity still blows my mind. It is an individual journey each person born to this planet must face alone, and some struggle more than others; after all, we each must face our own apocalypse. Attack is always fear-based and, knowing this, makes criticism forgivable. Setting yourself apart just to be abusive is a little bit more tiresome, however. At least try it before you knock it, is my philosophy. Come and investigate with FPI, and experience it first-hand. Then make up your own mind. Nobody is capable of taking away from me all of the above experiences back to my birth, lest I suffer amnesia; so unfortunately, any onslaught from the ridiculous will have no bearing on me. I know where my compass lies; I know my Due North.
In three years, we have had so many interactions using tech equipment, as seen in our movies to date, and personally I have witnessed countless more. I have done a journey in this time. Using my Reiki and faith in my Calling, we always start with a ritual of Protection and Opening up our third eye chakras. We always close down. From the near beginning of FPI’s inception I have had the ability to feel in my own body the affliction of Spirit. It took a while for this gift to dawn on me and have the confidence to say it aloud without sounding daft. The other team members encouraged this in me, and it flowed. Example: during one séance, I had such a horrendous stabbing pain in my leg. When I asked if this was Spirit showing me an injury, they responded on the KII for ‘yes’. This was enough evidence and information for me to take this gift forward. Since then, I have even had the impression of being heavily pregnant, with near-full-term baby kicking the hell out of me. I asked if there is a pregnant lady present. KII responded with ‘yes’. This was in the Chapel at St Briavels Castle, and in front of forty guests. It stays with me. All these connections are with me. I thank them all as I continue to grow, and I can only hope that in some Universal Law, this is a mutual exchange between our worlds, where they too are benefiting.
At this juncture in time, I am opening up even more with an even stronger understanding. Due to this, I have been seeing Spirit for the last 18 months. Not always. Just enough to realise my sense of sight is adjusting to their frequency, however fleeting. This is exciting for me. I intend to continue along my personal journey of discovery and keep my eyes open as well as all other senses. I have seen names and words, using my third eye, which is different. The words are always in 3D and written as though in gold bullion, floating in the black. I have accepted this for a long time now, due to the telepathic connection I have with my offspring, alongside the healing sessions I have done. I have seen eight orbs with my naked eye, during my life; mainly while healing, and all of them quite amazing. – I suppose I might experience the time when I see feel sense and hear all in one moment and the veil disappears altogether while in my conscious, unconscious and higher conscious state? I believe this is possible; re-member – I AM.
The S word
I had a real problem with computers, when they first came out. I’m showing my age. I wouldn’t go near them. How can a bit of metal soldered with joints, communicate to itself? Mind blowing. 1110001101011010101 WTF? I am not using this mumbo jumbo stuff if I can’t logically figure out how it works. Fear held me back. A friend told me to forget how it works. Accept that it does. Input with intent – and witness output. So I did. I can’t solder this little green square board with blobs of silver metal and get it talking, and do as I command. But I press this S key and I get S right here in front of me. You see it too? S. SSSSSSSS. I want to send S to Australia. Send. It is there already. A miracle. I can’t tell you how this works, my bad. But I know it does because Shelia has been on the phone asking WTF does S mean???
Through all my experiences before, during and since FPI, I have learnt you need to believe before you are able to experience. If you are a more closed person and something outside of your understanding happens then you will deny it and dismiss it in a way to protect yourself. If you come only from logic; you may over-analyse it or shelve it and wait until a scientist has come up with the Formula; when that scientist tells you- only then can you grasp it and wait tight for her next discovery. This is fine but in this, you might find yourself limiting every experience you think you want (want is the state of not having), while waiting for scientific explanation to catch up (which is inevitably going to happen with Cern and this New Age frantically at work to reveal). In the meantime, if you can suspend your disbelief and not over-think, you might grow to the level of Acceptance. Once this is accomplished, you might experience more as you will become like a magnet and draw more of these occurrences to you. Then you might journey on to becoming even more open to the greater wonders of your Universe. My simplistic explanation of the workings is everything is science. –Shocking? Why would I deny that wondrous aspect of all creation – that word; that label of science? (I worked in a lab and studied all the sciences at GlosCAT, Gloucester College of Art and Technology, after leaving school). I’ve read and debated enough Quantum Physics. I have implemented Universal Laws which are spiritual and scientific; put liquid water in a freezer and it turns solid; Cause and Effect. Bad mouth my kids and I will put you on your ass; Cause and Effect. Try this one for Cause and Effect: seek and you will find.
Other dimensions, including ours, are likely to communicate at Free Will level, using energy (same spiritual/science of everything) to manipulate frequencies as we all thirst to reach out to each other in our quest to know ourselves. Example; a person vibrating on a different frequency (spirit, guide, elemental, etc.) uses the voice or phonics of the Ghost Box as its tool to speak in this dimension and be heard real time. Brilliant. They harness the science of this dimension and, with faith and intent being their input, they communicate. If you are open to accept countless other dimensions in one place, in one space, on a conscious, unconscious and super conscious level you are likely to resonate on that frequency and these dimensions may well ‘see’ you overlapping into theirs. Conversely, you may then catch a glimpse of them. You may well hear them; as they in turn acknowledge you. Like attracts like. Witness the results of output. If you are closed, however, sadly all their shouting will fall on deaf ears. Another example, if you believe in the Angel Realm enough and your vibration is of that similar frequency you may well see that angel leaning over you in the dead of night or grab you from your crashed car in the midmorning sun.
There is no right or wrong. You’re in the middle of your own adventure. Experience what you Will. No judgement. ‘The truth will set you free’ when each of us are ready through Free Will. If you desire to spend this lifetime closed down and believe in ‘nothing’, this too is fine. It is your right as Free Will governs. You are not loved less for this decision at soul level. You may be disgruntled with people vibrating on a different frequency. But this is still your right. Perhaps you wish to experience nothingness as a constant and learn this spectrum of existence. You are not damned lest you chose it and even then this is temporary in the bigger picture; hence the wheel of life, the cycle. Everyone coexists on individual levels of consciousness; some are more awake than others. What is exciting is the amount of souls out there connecting and awakening right now.
My only personal frustration, in all of this is that some people tend to be stuck in their own firm ‘belief’ that science and spirituality are separate – two different things; and then oppose them both; stick them poles apart and set them up for a fight. They are two words beginning with ‘S’. I prefer the word SAME. Same unites without conflict and it flows. I have been labelled two-faced by those who prefer to keep everything in tiny labelled boxes through their own fear or lack of exploration of the other S; those who prefer to keep the S’s separate. I prefer multi-faceted as you can probably tell by my journey I have so many levels, even I get giddy. A small foot note – since I see the Divine Source in all things; then I mean all things including molecules, etc (chunking down to the miniscule) and including the Laws which govern them (chunking up to the totality of all the universes). Science and Source = Same.
In 2010, I trained as a master practitioner of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) with the charity, Talking2Minds. This amazing charity works with ex-military and their families to eradicate the symptoms of PTSD. NLP basically means how we all think. How we use our brains. It is a model of self-talk communication of the conscious mind and the memory patterns of the unconscious mind. In very brief; it concerns self-awareness, behavioural patterns and effective communication. Every word we use is a label to depict our individual model of our own world from our own perspective. Through hypnosis, you can reprogram your mind of its cognitive patterns of mental and emotional behaviour focusing on positive resources for a healthier outcome. Some positive resources are, for example; love, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, etc. We practice interventions based on formulas to rearrange sub modalities which in turn leads to a healthier mind-set and state of well-being. The science/ laws/spirituality/morals work in conjunction and are interlinked. This to me, shows another aspect of life in human form where science/formulas and spirituality/moral code and laws are the same. Again input and output/ cause and effect.
Take the pentagram. The right way up. It is the five pointed star of Paganism amongst other labels. Each point represents an aspect found in all creation and perhaps in different forms: the four elements; fire earth air water and the fifth elemental point represents Spirit. You could therefore say this symbol is science and spirituality interwoven. Ever been with a dead body and wondered where the spirit and personality and energy of that person has gone as the elements of the body break down and everything transforms? Healers notice that we are body; and Divine Source flows in all cells and can communicate with that cell at Divine Level and heal it with the correct intent based on love and purity. Is this being a Witch? To use herbs, Propolis from bees, liquid silver etc… to heal, is this a witch? That’s one label. Religious people may pray to an external God, evoke the Holy Spirit inside them for help to heal the body at cellular level. A scientific mind might go to the doctor for prescription drugs which are made of everything of this world already here in certain forms including plants. What of the difference… And all these mind-sets might try a number of these things to heal, which is great. I know an unreligious man who went to church, got on his knees and prayed when he thought his new-born son might die when he couldn’t put all his faith in the NHS.
Ancient New Age
For the last 2,150 yrs approx. we have been in the Age of Pisces – interestingly the symbol for this is the fish; the same symbol as Christianity, and in roughly the same time frame. I read some time ago, that mathematically, during the Age of Taurus we humans were worshiping the golden bull. Age of Aquarius is dawning. It will remain with us for 2,150yrs., and it predicts Science, Communication and Enlightenment. They were singing of this in the summer of hippie love, 1969. The moment of my conception actually and planetary. We have evolved so fast in our understanding as a species. Science has given us the ability to communicate our thoughts globally. In this realm, on this planet we can connect with anyone we chose, wherever they live; no further need for the psychic link of yesteryear. Link the two; the old ways and the new; embrace both the telepathic and the text message; the gut instinct and the email. Science is also giving us the ability to transmit our thoughts using technology to communicate across other dimensions of existence. Dismiss nothing or risk not grasping it. So many Awakened souls on this planet cannot be wrong. When the left and the right side of the brain are working in balance; the logic and the creative- then more Truths can be revelled to the individual. Science is relatively new. Ha ha -only joking – the building blocks have been around since the dawn of time, obviously. We are only recently figuring out how to build these blocks together and harness it to our advantage in our evolution. And those recently born of this slant will call the oldest remedies, therapies and philosophies ‘alternative’. Funny really. Oohh New Age man. I come from the slant; embrace everything as everything has its purpose; and all sorts of phenomena exists and can happen. I can say this because I’ve been so wide open to witness it.
If you really choose to experience communication with those from other realms then first it helps to have faith in yourself and them. Faith is an energy vibrating at a certain frequency. Just as anger is an energy vibrating at a certain frequency. We, as humans, can recognise the angry person and steer clear of his ‘vibes’ if we wish to remain on a different frequency ourselves and keep our energy intact. You’ve heard the term energy vampires? These people literally hang around vibrating at a ‘lower’ emotional frequency just waiting to plug into those of a ‘higher’ frequency so they can fuel up. The best thing you can do with this type is put up your protection and walk away. Game Over. Transversely, you can use faith and belief with intent in the same way.
Intent- FPI have experimented with a concept born to me, and I am rather chuffed. We used two KII units, side by side; one for yes/the other for no. We had direct communication to questions during a séance, whereby only one was set off. Surely this proves the energy manipulated around the chosen devise was done so with intent and not random fluxes of electro energy. As a control; FPI also focused our own wishes upon the experiment; all focussing with our own brains and intent, and had zero response on either KII. This was great for me because my theory was proven right to me, which is enough for me to move forward to think of other experiments. This is where I am; limitless and forward thinking, with great friends in the paranormal community and a brilliant Spirit Team behind my scenes.
For those who are still thinking; what a hippie telling me about frequencies; ‘Frequency’ is not a scientific label when used to describe ‘Faith’, (perhaps they see the label Faith and still think of harps on a cloud with angels eating soft cheese). Faith is a State – a state of being. Anger is a State – a state of being. Love is a State – a state of Being. And on and on… What state do you choose to be in? We are over 60% water. Adam and I conducted rice experiments based on Dr Masaru Emoto’s crystalline structure of water experiment. Dr Emoto projected prayer, music and words across the spectrum of emotions at water. He froze each subject and compared each physicality. The results are amazing. Please check the wonderful internet as this is very interesting… Here are two extremes of Dr Emoto’s examples:
LOVE AND GRATITUDE
YOU MAKE ME SICK. I WANT TO KILL YOU
I recommend you get out and enjoy life and all its wonders because we will all too soon be on the other side.
If a loved one on the astral makes contact with you by giving you a ‘sign’ then, with all your love, acknowledge it and thank them and send Love over to them. On the day our father passed over, John Heath sent his love, ten hours later. I’m not going into personal details but if anyone could harness spiritual intent and science as one, he would. He did.
It is with great respect, I appreciate all the Spirits and otherworldly beings who have communicated with me during my expeditions and amazing adventures along my journey of spiritual abundance.
Some Acknowledgements in no particular order:
Nana for ‘that’s amazing’ and being as amazed me at hearing each other through the radio waves.
Nan for your words I heard J
David N Smith – Your contagious laugh made me jump, it was so loud. I remember you always X
John and Zane Heath for your Love Hearts at the Slayer gig. Very impressive. X X
Gracie for having the strength to move on xx
Martha and her children, reconnected and Ever-So –Loved X xxx
Maggie and Trish – Somewhere over the Rainbow Telepathy; the power of 3 and those Ley Lines
Don – always – because you are just the driest and funniest man and not easily impressed.
The Empress – What card? I thank you for this priceless gem.
My Vampires – for revealing my demons crawling around the dark shadows of my mind.
My demons – because I embrace the dark and the light in the Balance and order chaos to know Peace.
My angels – because I embrace the light and this is my Free Will choice.
The Divine Source – for creating this Matrix Illusion. It’s Ommmmmm – wow!!!
The closer you get to the meaning – the sooner you know that you’re dreaming. Ronnie James Dio.